Monday, January 23, 2012

Letter to my daughter after watching The Bachelor

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My sweet Belle,

I sat and watched a show the other night where a roomful of beautiful women competed with one another for the love of a man.  I watched the drama as they quarreled, manipulated, flirted, cried and triumphed, but all I could think about was you.  I saw your fresh face smiling at your baby brother, heard your silly giggle as you told Daddy a joke and felt the weight of your head as you laid it sleepily on my shoulder.

I know your two-year-old mind dismissed everything I told you that night so I wanted to write it down for you.  Because someday, Lord willing, you will be old enough to listen and you will be wading through all the confusion that the world will toss at you about these things.  Things like beauty, strength and love.

So, my precious girl, here are the things I desperately want you to know.


1. The most beautiful women in the world look ugly when they are mean.  Beauty is complex.  It involves your hair and skin and eyes, but all of those things are just a shell. That shell is transparent and I promise you that whatever you fill it with will be perfectly clear for the world to see.

Your eyes will always be beautiful when they look kindly at someone.  You will have lovely lips whenever they smile a genuine smile.   And your nose?  Well, noses are tough.  You either have a good one or you don't.  Luckily for you, yours is adorable.

If you cultivate goodness and kindness and wisdom and strength then not only will that beauty shine out of you but you'll find that you breathe joy and beauty into the lives of those around you.

But if the most beautiful woman on earth lets herself be filled with jealousy and hatred, she will look like a troll.


2. No one, in the history of the world, has done anything out of envy and made it look good.
You'll be envious a lot, sweetheart.  Trust me.  You'll be envious of other girls shoes or hair or elbows. You'll be envious of their friends, their boyfriends, their poise, their intelligence, their humor. (Maybe even of their mother, just don't tell me about it if you are.)  You'll be envious of people you've never met and people you love dearly. 

When you focus on that thing that some other person has you stop caring about them at all and only care about the thing.  Envy will make you act like a child because it is an utterly selfish feeling.  Trust me, whatever you do or say when you are driven by envy will make you look like an idiot. 

So be on your guard against it.  When you see envy sneaking around (and you will) take a little time to be grateful for the things you do have.  And if you can't come up with anything, call me.  Because I can see that you have so much beauty and strength and wonder in you that it makes my heart ache and I'd be happy to tell you all about it.


3. Don't confuse SELFISHNESS with STRENGTH
Some of these women said terrible things to each other then defended themselves by tossing their pretty hair and saying, "I'm just being honest.  I have to say what I feel." 

Well here's a little nugget of wisdom for you, sweetie.  Not everything you feel is worth saying.   There will be plenty of times when you will have emotions tumbling around inside of you like a litter of puppies on crack.  Some of them will be worthwhile but some will be stupid and you should do your best to send them packing. 

You'll meet plenty of girls who don't agree with me.  They'll claim it is strength of character to blurt out any thought that crosses their mind regardless of who will be devastated by it.  But honey, a woman of strong character has the wisdom to shut her mouth until she's thought for a moment about what she's feeling to decide whether it's an emotion that she wants to own, an emotion that makes her into the woman she wants to be or one of those emotions that she should look square in the eye and say, "Yer outta here.  You and the hormonal horse you rode in on." 


4. Love
This one is a bit complicated, honey.  You'll spend a lot of time looking for it and thinking about it and being jealous of it.  It doesn't come in the same way all the time and it often ends up looking different than you thought it would. 

But I will tell you one thing.  If your hunt for love begins with manipulation, jealousy and games, it's going to have a very hard time finding its way to a happy ending.  Real love will start when you find someone, get to know him, and you guys spend time being kind to each other.  

And if you do it the right way, with the right kind of boy, it will involve a lot less drama than Hollywood says it should and a lot more happiness.



Oh, and one more thing the show made me want to tell you:  If there is every a boy who you are - I was going to say "kissing" but the thought of you kissing boys will probably give your dad a stroke, so lets go with - rollerskating with and he is openly rollerskating with several other girls. Like six...or seven...dozen...other girls,  STOP ROLLERSKATING WITH HIM.

This is not the type of boy that makes a good skating partner.  Someone who's really fun to rollerskate with will like you because he sees what an amazing girl you are.  He'll never ask you to prove to him that he should pick you over a dozen other girls.  He'll be smart enough to know you're the greatest thing he'll ever find.

The only reason you should ever even go near the guy again is to point him out to your big brother so he can kick his #**.   No, forget getting your big brother.  You do it yourself.  Go straight for his...ankles.  Those two-timin' rollerskatin' ankles.

I love you, my darling girl.  Go back to playing with your trains.  We'll chat again about all this in a decade or so.

Love, Mommy

(This post may be shared, but please give credit where credit is due.  Thanks)

70 comments:

  1. Best. Post. Ever.

    I was stupid and looked up the spoiler on who won. Don't do that.

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  2. GREAT POST!!! A must read of all mom's of girls. Or girls. Or just people in general. Maybe if more boys read this, there'd be less ankle kicking :)

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  3. Oh sweetie...what a lovely essay.
    Everyone gets angry and everyone gets upset. But it's the meanness that is so, so terrible. Be mad. Be mad all you want and then walk away. Why waste time and energy just being mean?

    And the roller skating! You had me giggling and nodding like, " Yes! You listen to your momma, girl! "

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  4. Love this. You've said it perfectly. Beauty and trolls and rollerskating--yes, yes, yes. As for noses, don't forget Cyrano de Bergerac. Even though it didn't end well for him he was clearly the awesome one, nose and all.

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  5. This is so great! I love it! Do you write to your kiddos much, for later I mean? I just started. This is such great advice; I want to share it with Colston ;) (in like, 90 years or so lol)

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  6. this is possibly the best post i've ever read- i'm instantly going to share this. you are beyond amazing, and i not only laughed, but teared up reading this. your daughter is one lucky lady to have you.

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  7. I love these words even though I'm not a mom. Thank you for speaking such a wonderful lesson to your girl. :)

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  8. Thank you for posting this! Would it be ok if I shared this on my Pintrest board of things I read/want to read?

    I don't claim great popularity on that realm, but this seems like such a personal essay that I didn't want to share it without your permission.

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  9. Thank you for posting this! Would it be ok for me to share your letter via my pintrest reading board, or via facebook? Please let me know. Thanks again; I'm sure your daughter will appreciate the words of wisdom later on. :)

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  10. Thanks for stopping by my blog. This is so tenderly and sweetly written.

    She won't be able to hear you tell her these things when she is old enough to need them. Your mom has to say you're beautiful.

    Tell her now, tell her often, tell her daddy to tell her daily.

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  11. Love it! And I think it can go for older girls and women too! I'm sharing...

    ps--you make me laugh out loud!

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  12. This is fantastic! Thank you for writing and posting this! I will be saving it to show to MY daughter...and sharing it with all of my friends that have daughters...

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  13. Thanks, Jeannine! And thanks for stopping by.

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  14. This is so great. Amazing. I have some single friends who could learn a couple of things from this post...

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  15. Thanks vivagood! Your comment made me laugh.

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  16. VERY BEAUTIFUL TOO LIVE BY I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER I HAVE 2 DAUGHTERS AND1 SON AND IM AM SO VERY PROUD OF THEM I NEVER HAD TOO GO THROUGH THAT WITH THEM AND THEY ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE FOR BEING THE WAY THEY ARE SO THANK YOU FOR SUCH WONDERFUL WORDS I HOPE YOUR DAUGHTER WILL APPRECIATE THEM AND YOU WHEN SHE GROWS UP SUE WOOD ATHENS GA

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  17. This is fantastic! I have written several letters to my daughter in a similar line of thought. Yours is perfect!

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  18. This is perfect. I have written a couple of similar letters to my daughter, but you say it so well! I will have to save this entry!

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  19. As a dad of a beautiful two
    Month old girl, I love it as well!!
    Well said, and you are right, roller skating is
    Much less likely to give any dad a stroke :-)

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  20. I would like to repost this on my blog healinghamlet(dot)com which focuses on healing and the arts (visual, music and writing). I would credit to you (your full name??) and provide a link. Please let me know at phoenix(at)healinghamlet(dot)com. Thanks.

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  21. You wrote this very well, so well I am going to save it to give to young girls I work with. I watched about 15 minutes of that show and it made me sick. And people wonder why they don't have good relationships, they don't know what they really are about or how to act or should I say how to be a true person.

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  22. Couldn't agree with you more. It is no wonder why they have had more marriages from contestants on The Biggest Loser then they have had on The Bachelor or Bachelorette.

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  23. That sounds like what my mother would tell me- and speaking as a daughter, thank you. There will definitely come a day when she needs to hear that. I needed to hear it this morning. Thank you. :) You daughter is so blessed to have a mother with such down to earth wisdom and common sense.

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    1. Thanks! I think we all need to be reminded of most of this often. At least I do!

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  24. This was SUCH A GOOD READ with such truth to it! As a woman, it speaks volumes to what we do face growing up and all the memories (and hard times too) to go along with it. Then, I only have two boys, but it's great for us too! And, last but not least, I had to come back to read it a second time and it choked me right the heck up. ha ha. I mean, I have so many great friends with beautiful and wonderful daughters. I only hope that they can hold fast to the things you've said here. I'd write them down to keep on hand to tell my own girls if I had any to tell!

    Awesome post. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I'm sharing it with my friends on Facebook. I sure hope you don't mind! If you do, let me know, and I'll take it down. It was TOO GOOD not to pass along.

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    1. Thanks, Sherri! You know, I have two boys that I was considering writing a post for also. Thanks for stopping by and sharing the post!

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  25. Thank you so much for this. I want to share this with my daughter when she is about a decade older as well.

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    1. Mine's still only 4. So I'll have to read this to her in about a decade too!

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  26. I followed a rabbit hole to get here, but I had to stop by. (A friend posted it to facebook, which led me to a blog, who had reblogged "with permission", which led me to you.) This is the FIRST "letter to my daughter" that I've ever felt compelled to save. Or share. Or even comment on. And my daughter is nearly 7 years old.

    Bravo. And Thank you!!!!

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    1. Oh, thanks! And glad you could find me through the rabbit hole.

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  27. Hope you don't mind, but I have just printed this out for my 10 year daughter who has been having difficulty at school with not looking and acting like the other 'popular' girls in school (who she clearly states are mean girls!).

    Hope this help to reconfirm what I've been telling her all along :)

    Must admit you stated it beautifully.

    Thanks

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    1. I hope it does help her a bit. Those are tough times to go through. Glad she has a mom who is obviously wanting to support her through it.

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  28. That is the most beautifully written sentiment I've read in...well, years, I bet :)
    I'm your newest email subscriber, and cannot wait to read more from you.
    Thanks for putting your heart out there for us to learn from, and glean. =0)

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    1. Oh, thanks! (Now I guess I need to stop neglecting this little blog and write occasionally...)

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  29. This is making it's way through facebook. And I'm so glad! What a wonderful, thoughtful, insightful post. I have 4 daughters and I can't wait for them to read this.

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    1. Thanks, Amy! I'm actually a bit overwhelmed by how many people are reading it all of a sudden. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. It means a lot.

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  30. Saw this on Facebook linked from Healing Hamlet. Your munchkins look like my own -- 20 years ago. My daughter turns 21 in January, and today she and her brothers are near WSU taking turns jumping into a river.
    Thank you!

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    1. Hi Sue, Thanks so much for stopping by! I can't believe my own kids will ever be that old! (I know when it happens I'll say, "It went so fast!")

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  31. So true! An excellent response to the despicable behaviour often displayed on television. Love the "rollerskating" bit!

    PS- (I think you may mean "envious" instead of "jealous" in #2)

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    1. Thanks, Lana.

      PS - You're completely right about the 'jealous' thing. Thanks for the kind little heads-up! I went back and edited a bit. :)

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  32. Very wise letter to your daughter. But I'm confused. You condemn all of this behavior in the letter to your daughter (rightfully so IMHO), but in your actions (watching the programming) you condone it, and not only condone it but support it through adding to it's ratings. I'm not trying to be antagonistic, but I am curious how these co-exist.

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    1. Lol! Anonymous, I've been waiting for someone to make that comment for 18 months!

      I have seen little bits of the show at friend's homes and the night that inspired this we watched part of the show in our own home. (Your comment sparked a conversation with my hubs, but we can't remember why on earth we were watching it.) So I don't actually watch the show, just seeing the few minutes that I did sparked this entire long set of thoughts on things I wanted my daughter to know about growing into a beautiful woman.

      And I actually don't think people that DO watch the shows are awful or anything. It's terribly mesmerizing to watch people do things you disagree with. I'm guessing a lot of people who watch the show would still agree with at least some of the points in my post.

      It was just an opportunity for me to get down in writing a handful of thoughts I wanted to share with my daughter.

      Thanks for stopping by and finally asking the question I've been waiting for!

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    2. Makes sense. Just was curious. I think the letter was great. To be clear I don't think people that watch these kind of shows are terrible or even bad people (heaven knows I've watched my share). I have always been fascinated by human psychology and "reality" TV can be an interesting case study sometimes. Though I worry about some parents (not saying you) that will try to instill their kids with all of these positive ideas and then let their kids see them watching this stuff or worse yet, sit down and watch it with them. It sends really mixed signals to them. Kids have a hard time discerning "reality" from reality.

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  33. Sorry hun, but im calling some serious bullshit here.

    In #2 you say that nothing goods ever been done of jealousy, but in being jealous for your daughters future you wrote this post. Think about it. More importantly you go on to say that multi-rollerskaters aren't good for relationships, a philosophy that assumes your daughter will grow to want that kind of relationship and mate. Isn't such a philosophy in and of itself entirely wrapped up in the concept of jealously only having one person?

    Your next step gives the time honored wisdom to shut the hell up and not own your thoughts (in my own words) because of hormones. Then you go on later to say "if a relationship starts with manipulation it wont last" but keeping quiet and hiding those feelings IS EXACTLY A MANIPULATION.

    So while i am happy you started from a good place and want to teach your daughter I gotta say you've given her more reason to become a member of such a show than she might have gleaned from it.

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    1. ??? I'm puzzled by your comment. Please explain to me how her concern for her daughter's future transfers into jealousy of her daughter's future? Being with only one person has nothing to do with jealousy BTW and everything to do with trust, loyalty and commitment. Also, she never said anything about keeping quiet and NEVER saying anything. There is great wisdom in choosing your words and choosing the timing of when those words are delivered. The common trait that is shared with all of the most successful people in this world is simple: Know when you keep your mouth shut. It's a small person that acts like a raging ASS and then uses the justification of "I'm just owning my voice" or "I'm speaking my mind and being honest". It's also a selfish person that puts 1st saying what they want to say over any thought of the other persons feelings. The same information/feelings can still be delivered without harming someone. You will also get a better result in the end. If people are unwilling to figure out an approach that will do that, they are either too lazy or to daft to figure one out. Which is your reason?

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    2. Lets assume for one second that everything you said is valid and not just angered ranting because someone expressed opposition to your viewpoint that you don't agree with or value.

      Even if everything you said is true, its still manipulation to hold back and change what you were going to say to wrap it in a neater package. No matter how well intentioned or wise it may be, if you are an animal on the inside that's who you are and who you should grow to be loved for. If you are an animal on the inside who deeply wants to not appear to be an animal then that too is who you should be loved for, but both require honesty about the animal inside.

      Jealousy is a matter of rights owed, envy is a matter of expectation. For example, in the bible God is a jealous god because he has a right to the respect and adoration of those he created. This plays into relationships and family relationships when we feel a right to as you describe it "trust loyalty and commitment" we are JEALOUS for these things.

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    3. "be wise as a serpent, but harmless as a dove"
      That sound familiar? We are more than just impulses. At least we should be.
      I'll ask my question again. How is her concern for her daughter's future Jealousy?

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    4. There is no harm in a thought, unless a person chooses to take harm in it. We dont have to act on our thoughts but we very much are obligated to be true to them if we have any desire to be honest at all (and if we don't then why not throw everything else out the window too).

      Perhaps it was subtle my answer to your question. But the jealousy we feel for commitment and loyalty in a relationship also translates to a mothers concern for her daughters future, she is expecting and inclining her towards a specific kind of future one she has designed and hoped for. This is the nature of jealousy, to take what we do not own and desire to control it.

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  34. Thank you so much this is so beautiful ! I will definitely save it and give it to my daughters when they grow up...I have 3 beautiful daughters and a bit worried of the huge pressures that they may face one day, and this letter is so full of truth that girls should know and realise...

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  35. This is a beautiful, well written letter. It's all the things I've wanted to say to my own daughters (8, 6, and 2 years), you've just put it so eloquently. Thanks for writing it and allowing people to share!

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  36. Exactly!! I can't explain to my sister every thing I HATE about that show...and how it brings out the worst in everyone. And that the only thing you may find on that show is LUV..not LOVE. You can't be rollerskating w/so many diff people and seriously be in love. Can't happen. Nuf said. Your dtr is a lucky girl.

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  37. This was an extremely heartfelt and priceless letter to your daughter. As a daughter myself I have heard this very advice many times from my mom, and while it takes a couple years to sink in I'm sure your daughter will one day appreciate to no end the love that seeps through every line of this letter.You totally get mom props. This will be her compass to navigate through the tumultuous tides that love, jealousy and growing up will create inside of her.

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  38. such a good post I'm reposting (which I've never done before, but this one is worth it!!)! thanks for writing it!

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    1. Thanks! (I popped over to your blog and your daughter is ADORABLE!)

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  39. Thank you! Now if only I could get my mom to read this ;) Thankfully her daughter had already figured this all out but I love the way you worded it so that others can see the tragedy that is these shows.
    There have been other comments regarding the violence aspect, and I agree that violence should never be advocated though I understand the sentiment underneath it! Well written and definitely will share!

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  40. B E A U T I F U L!!!!

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  41. I have two little kids . . . ok they just became teenagers but I am in denial :) One is a precious little girl and one is a wonderful boy. This letter is so good. Beyond good! You are so talented. It was so touching . . . and then I couldn't stop laughing at the roller-skating. I love it!

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  42. I absolutely love this. I would love to repost it with credit!

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  43. i know you wrote this to your daughter, but good grief, i felt like you were writing it for me! i needed to read this today. as a single twenty-something, i'm bombarded with "why aren't you married yet?" questions quite often. this reaffirms why! i'm not going to rollerskate with just any guy, and i won't have to play games or go on a reality show to do so. thank you for writing this!

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  44. Had me laughing and tearing up. Beautiful letter. One day your daughter will read this and want to hug you a little tighter for writing it for her.

    Kelly
    Cobwebs, Cupcakes & Crayons

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  45. Wow. I am 14 and obsessed with watching the bachelor. I cannot begin to describe how right you are with every word in this post. I hope you know that I have a different view on love and dating now that I have read this- and I am so glad I did before I start high school in a month! Thank you again for this. Your kids are adorable! :)

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  46. But what if she likes girls? Will your advice still stand?

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  47. what a fabulous letter.
    thank you for sharing it with us.

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